Art Fair Insiders

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Do I really Need to Join Facebook????

When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.


My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.


The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone in the nearest 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.


I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying, rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes, she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...

When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.


To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.


The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.


Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "Doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."



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Comment by Jack Glaab on May 6, 2014 at 1:47pm

can one be a bi-sacksual if he's a unidexter?

Comment by Cindy Cherrington on May 5, 2014 at 8:39am

OMG!  I'm at work reading this and I couldn't stop laughing.  My cube farm mates must be wondering what is so hysterical in my cube.  (A cube is a partitioned space where I crank out work 9 hrs a day.)  Thanks for a great start to my week!

Comment by Barrie Lynn Bryant on May 3, 2014 at 5:39pm

I'm with you, Greg L. I ain't on facebook. My cell doesn't even work where I live at Kirby, Wyoming. There's no coverage. I keep the number written on a piece of paper in my wallet and have to look it up at every show when asked to put it on the contact forms. It does come in handy for processing sales, though. WOOHOO!

Comment by Kelly M Ryan on May 3, 2014 at 1:57pm
Bisacksual is just about the greatest thing I have ever heard!! Thanks so much for the uplifting story and the laughs. I considered throwing my gps in the Mississippi on a cross country trek just to get over the "recalculating". Cheers!
Comment by Annette Piper on May 2, 2014 at 8:12pm

Brilliant!!! Read this to my hubby and we both laughed with you!

Comment by Gloria Isackson on May 2, 2014 at 12:26pm

Oh, thank you so very much for the laugh!  I hate Facebook and also forget to "tweet" out where I'll be for shows, when I do them!  Keep on writing ... you will have a ton of followers ... oh, wait, why don't you start a "Blog."  And when you are done, can you explain to me what a blog is? 

Comment by Ellen Jo Ljung on May 2, 2014 at 9:41am

Wonderful read -- thanks! I must admit that I joined Facebook after Ed Hoy, our glass supplier, kept pushing it at their summer conferences. It's done little for our glass, but I have reconnected with so many former students that I'm glad I did!

Comment by Connie Mettler on May 1, 2014 at 2:18pm

... my phone still flashing and I missed printing and scanning one of those documents, so it is back to "tech hell" for me.

Comment by Greg Little on April 30, 2014 at 10:14pm
I recently went too Best Buy to get a Ipod to use with my Square and it took quite a while to discover it wouldn't work and i had to return it and exchange it for an IPad...way too many "I" thingys to choose from...
Comment by Mel Hamrick on April 30, 2014 at 10:04pm
I laughed so hard when I read this....
Word for word this sounds exactly like my dad.......he is a great man but is a bit lost to.........
If it weren't for our differences, life would be a really boring place.

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